freak

lately i've been catching my self staring glassed
eyed on almost anything..
my computer screen,
the walls of my room,
my feet..

everything..

dazed..

i've been laking sleep this days not because
i'm deprived of it but because i've seemed to
dulled or more like eradicate it from my senses,
my routine,
my system,
my being..
its like my body forgot that it needed to sleep.
sure, i am still closing my eyes at night and
feeling my whole body gone lax but my mind,
it doesn't seem like its resting.

it just goes on

thinking


and thinking



and thinking



and thinking...

my eyes snaps open (because it doesn't really feel
like waking up at all) every morning like clock work
just as the clock on my bed side is about to point
at 6 and lie (or whatever you can call that because
its definitely not sleeping) at night
(or more like morning again) just as it turns to 2.
i have bags now under my eyes
twice the size of thumbs and still i can't sleep.

my problems and fears are finally catching up on me.

it's funny how much i've given advice to countless of
people about smiling and shrugging of problems and
yet i can't seem to apply it to my self.
its like i've made a shell within the shell of my self
and i can't break it.

a mile thick barrier.

i've lost count on the hundreds of times on which
i have kept on thinking that all of this "things"
will eventually work out and i'd soon just find my self
laughing it of to nothing but a fleeting memory.

as it stands now, i can't see it coming soon.

i'm really tired.
i don't know what to do.

wait..!

on second thought, i do know what to do
i just don't know how to really do it
and where to start.

god i need help
bad..

on the rate that i was going right now
i doubt i can still pass as a sane person.
say, if the me before met the me now;
the me before would definitely not believe that this
is what she'd become. she'd definitely label me a freak,
turn about face and run as fast as she could on the
opposite direction (or maybe she'll run left or
right but absolutely not on the path on which the me now
came from) and that's saying something since the me
before is positively not normal to begin with by
human normal standards.

*sigh*

i am ranting, am i?

i mean,

*sigh*

i feel like a complete failure right now.

am i experiencing a normal human feeling right now?
or have i been infected with something else
that's not on this plane???

i doubt this is something normal.

hell i can even bet on it.

*sigh*

i wanna stop.