the return of the comeback...

while i am passing a few emails here and now...trying to clean up my clutter thingies, i notice that i did and still do have a blog space that i should have been taking care of..

it has been quite sometime since i last posted. although i don't think that there are a lot of people reading this, actually they're just a handful, i think its safe to say that i still need to maintain it..

so nag babalik ako..

i'm thinking of normal post lang muna...masyadong i don't know ung ibang mga post ko nun..so lets change a few things..:)

christmas and new year

its fast approaching...
.....more peeps to remember and more things to do before it ends..
.......ties that was broken where reminisce..
.......decisions altered and that which persist..
.......i did not wish to go back anyway but i have always thought of what could have been...

pero seryoso..naisip ko nalang..march nanaman at well tatanda naman ako ng isang taon..
haayyy...HAPPY HOLIDAYS nalang sa lahat..

festering

echo's bouncing around are the only things that she's hearing..

standing in the verge of happiness only to rekindle sadness
she's looking into things..
chasing minds to oblivion, gazing with moon kissed eyes..
chances should come when light is night
and everything else are made w/ in sight...

walking...
only to soon be running
running..
only to soon be sobbing,
what has happened with today?
we only believe in those dreams hoping they will come true
sighing every now and then just to keep on breathing...
chasing minds to oblivion, free flowing sadness..
chances should be kept with in reach and sight
just to make it through the night..

don't let go..don't look behind..
just believe and look forward on the dying light..

hold your hands into a prayer then just believe..
chasing minds to oblivion, the festering light in the night
chances are made not fated
you just gotta look inside..

a story

there is man standing at the side of the road
gazing upwards towards the sky.

the sky is pouring like crazy but the old man
doesn't seem to notice it...

a girl holding an umbrella is about to pass
the same road with the old man beside it.
as she is walking, she notice another man walking.

the other man is walking on the opposite direction.
the other man passes the old man first.
the other man looks at the old man, nods his head and walks his way.
the old man looked at the man that just passed by and smiled
then looked again upward towards the sky.

the girl that notice the exchange goes up to the old man.
the girl looks at the old man then hands her umbrella to him.

the old man looked the girl, smiled, gave his thanks,
gets the umbrella and walks away.

the girl then takes the place of the old man on the side walk,
and then looks up at the sky.

thoughts:
the rain is the only thing for her right now.
standing outside is cold but she stands still
for the rain is the only thing that connects this earth
to the eternal sky...

dreaming:
standing still, outside the rain
there is no problem outside
she can wait.
because she's thinking if she's standing there still
maybe another one will pass by, to offer her a smile
and an umbrella to get by..

pantomime

In my fantasy I’m a pantomime
I’ll just move my hands and everyone sees what I mean
Words are too messy
And it’s way past time
To hand in my mouth

Paint my face white and try to
Reinvent the sea
One wave at a time
Speak without my voice and see the world by candlelight

I ain’t afraid to let it out
I’m unafraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy no such thing as time
Minutes bleed into days
Avant garde art
Show me your heresy
And I’ll show you mine
We only speak in pantomimes on this carpet ride

I ain’t afraid to let it out
I’m unafraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy you look good entwined
In my hair and skin and spit and sweat and spilled red wine
You’re my deep secret
I’m your pantomime
I’ll just move my hands
I promise you’ll see what I mean


--i'm generally and utterly confused...honestly what is happening
now in my life is something i have never dreamed of entirely
and i dunno what to do anymore..
i can't choose that person...
i simply cannot even if it kills me, it is for reasons that
i can't even discuss here but i sure wish to god that
this should not be happening to me right now.
i mean this situation but alas,
mine eyes and ears might deceive me but not my heart and mind.

i do want to be a pantomime..
listening to this song helps and sucks at the same time..
i'm thinking...
if i be a pantomime, will it be easier or will i be maimed much faster??

xps

i've been working w/ dell as a technician

(this is the first time that i'm going to talk
here on my blog about my work..)


i'm supporting what we call the CTS support.
basically its support for the regular dell computers..

we cater support for portables and desktops.


but lately things have change...



last march 18 dell launched the xps support to us.

yes folks..! you have read it right..!
XPS..!!
the XPS comuters are one of the many computers out there
that are really on the "high end" basis..one of a kind.
and our site's been promoted
now we're preparing to support this computers..!

"hooray for me!"
or so i thought...

***sigh***

dont get me wrong ok..
i'm still working with dell and i didnt lost
my job..i'll also be on training next week for the XPS..

so why am i sighing here??

because its going to be tougher and harder
and in all honestly i'm not still that familiar with
CTS now were shifting to XPS..i'm just a bit afraid
to mess things up..

but i cant do no nothing anyway..
i'll just cross my fingers and wait for it to fire away..
some of my friends are already supporting xps
anyway and they told me its pretty much the same anyway.
the basics are the same..so nothing to worry..

well i hope..

white

i suddenly just caught myself gripping the
arm set of the chair where i sat, as i gaze
out ward on the night sky.

my knuckles are white..

i was again thinking..

i'm sitting outside in our balcony when my
best friend (for those of you who know jean and
arik and are wondering, i have three best friends)came.
mai is carrying a paper bag and is waving
her out stretched hand to get my attention.
she stopped by on her way home (even though
is out of the way really) after
church to see me. apparently she has a favor
to ask of me.

we knew each other since i help her back then with a
crazy classmate in kindergarten.
we're stuck with each other ever since.

she asked me about some computer stuff and then
we talked about her working in this well known
hospital in the metro and how it starts to affect
her life and health. as i listen to mai ramble, i drawn
on me how our lives differ now. i mean sure where the
same as before, i mean she being mai and me being me,
but the fact that our lives have made a huge turn didn't
escape me.

for once i envied her. i mean its like her life
is mapped out for her and my life is just still
one hell of a crazy ride.

i mean she has her life plan and works to become
a doctor (she planning on studying still and be a
pathologist). i mean she has a concrete plan and
all where as me, i'm still stuck at being me.

i am working hard to get away but it doesn't seem to
work that way for me. like a fly stuck in honey.

then it got me thinking too about my other best friend
jean and how he's doing out there (he migrated to the
states last year). he's working hard on his own thinking
about his family and how he's starting to accomplish his
goals in life little by little. in a years time, what
surprise he would have become..?

*sigh*

"you know best you're dwelling and wallowing so much
its no wonder you're still like that"

he often said that too me..
and it really bites at me..

because its real..

on my stand now, i can't walk beside them anymore.
i feel like i don't deserve them, not that they feel
that way on me. its more on my part..

*sigh*

i don't really know what is happening to me now..

there's too much angst in my life, i can't feel no other
thing anymore..

i want to be somebody too..
someone they can be proud of just as much
i am proud of them..

i think i am breaking..
and i don't how to piece my self together anymore..