white

i suddenly just caught myself gripping the
arm set of the chair where i sat, as i gaze
out ward on the night sky.

my knuckles are white..

i was again thinking..

i'm sitting outside in our balcony when my
best friend (for those of you who know jean and
arik and are wondering, i have three best friends)came.
mai is carrying a paper bag and is waving
her out stretched hand to get my attention.
she stopped by on her way home (even though
is out of the way really) after
church to see me. apparently she has a favor
to ask of me.

we knew each other since i help her back then with a
crazy classmate in kindergarten.
we're stuck with each other ever since.

she asked me about some computer stuff and then
we talked about her working in this well known
hospital in the metro and how it starts to affect
her life and health. as i listen to mai ramble, i drawn
on me how our lives differ now. i mean sure where the
same as before, i mean she being mai and me being me,
but the fact that our lives have made a huge turn didn't
escape me.

for once i envied her. i mean its like her life
is mapped out for her and my life is just still
one hell of a crazy ride.

i mean she has her life plan and works to become
a doctor (she planning on studying still and be a
pathologist). i mean she has a concrete plan and
all where as me, i'm still stuck at being me.

i am working hard to get away but it doesn't seem to
work that way for me. like a fly stuck in honey.

then it got me thinking too about my other best friend
jean and how he's doing out there (he migrated to the
states last year). he's working hard on his own thinking
about his family and how he's starting to accomplish his
goals in life little by little. in a years time, what
surprise he would have become..?

*sigh*

"you know best you're dwelling and wallowing so much
its no wonder you're still like that"

he often said that too me..
and it really bites at me..

because its real..

on my stand now, i can't walk beside them anymore.
i feel like i don't deserve them, not that they feel
that way on me. its more on my part..

*sigh*

i don't really know what is happening to me now..

there's too much angst in my life, i can't feel no other
thing anymore..

i want to be somebody too..
someone they can be proud of just as much
i am proud of them..

i think i am breaking..
and i don't how to piece my self together anymore..

freak

lately i've been catching my self staring glassed
eyed on almost anything..
my computer screen,
the walls of my room,
my feet..

everything..

dazed..

i've been laking sleep this days not because
i'm deprived of it but because i've seemed to
dulled or more like eradicate it from my senses,
my routine,
my system,
my being..
its like my body forgot that it needed to sleep.
sure, i am still closing my eyes at night and
feeling my whole body gone lax but my mind,
it doesn't seem like its resting.

it just goes on

thinking


and thinking



and thinking



and thinking...

my eyes snaps open (because it doesn't really feel
like waking up at all) every morning like clock work
just as the clock on my bed side is about to point
at 6 and lie (or whatever you can call that because
its definitely not sleeping) at night
(or more like morning again) just as it turns to 2.
i have bags now under my eyes
twice the size of thumbs and still i can't sleep.

my problems and fears are finally catching up on me.

it's funny how much i've given advice to countless of
people about smiling and shrugging of problems and
yet i can't seem to apply it to my self.
its like i've made a shell within the shell of my self
and i can't break it.

a mile thick barrier.

i've lost count on the hundreds of times on which
i have kept on thinking that all of this "things"
will eventually work out and i'd soon just find my self
laughing it of to nothing but a fleeting memory.

as it stands now, i can't see it coming soon.

i'm really tired.
i don't know what to do.

wait..!

on second thought, i do know what to do
i just don't know how to really do it
and where to start.

god i need help
bad..

on the rate that i was going right now
i doubt i can still pass as a sane person.
say, if the me before met the me now;
the me before would definitely not believe that this
is what she'd become. she'd definitely label me a freak,
turn about face and run as fast as she could on the
opposite direction (or maybe she'll run left or
right but absolutely not on the path on which the me now
came from) and that's saying something since the me
before is positively not normal to begin with by
human normal standards.

*sigh*

i am ranting, am i?

i mean,

*sigh*

i feel like a complete failure right now.

am i experiencing a normal human feeling right now?
or have i been infected with something else
that's not on this plane???

i doubt this is something normal.

hell i can even bet on it.

*sigh*

i wanna stop.