white

i suddenly just caught myself gripping the
arm set of the chair where i sat, as i gaze
out ward on the night sky.

my knuckles are white..

i was again thinking..

i'm sitting outside in our balcony when my
best friend (for those of you who know jean and
arik and are wondering, i have three best friends)came.
mai is carrying a paper bag and is waving
her out stretched hand to get my attention.
she stopped by on her way home (even though
is out of the way really) after
church to see me. apparently she has a favor
to ask of me.

we knew each other since i help her back then with a
crazy classmate in kindergarten.
we're stuck with each other ever since.

she asked me about some computer stuff and then
we talked about her working in this well known
hospital in the metro and how it starts to affect
her life and health. as i listen to mai ramble, i drawn
on me how our lives differ now. i mean sure where the
same as before, i mean she being mai and me being me,
but the fact that our lives have made a huge turn didn't
escape me.

for once i envied her. i mean its like her life
is mapped out for her and my life is just still
one hell of a crazy ride.

i mean she has her life plan and works to become
a doctor (she planning on studying still and be a
pathologist). i mean she has a concrete plan and
all where as me, i'm still stuck at being me.

i am working hard to get away but it doesn't seem to
work that way for me. like a fly stuck in honey.

then it got me thinking too about my other best friend
jean and how he's doing out there (he migrated to the
states last year). he's working hard on his own thinking
about his family and how he's starting to accomplish his
goals in life little by little. in a years time, what
surprise he would have become..?

*sigh*

"you know best you're dwelling and wallowing so much
its no wonder you're still like that"

he often said that too me..
and it really bites at me..

because its real..

on my stand now, i can't walk beside them anymore.
i feel like i don't deserve them, not that they feel
that way on me. its more on my part..

*sigh*

i don't really know what is happening to me now..

there's too much angst in my life, i can't feel no other
thing anymore..

i want to be somebody too..
someone they can be proud of just as much
i am proud of them..

i think i am breaking..
and i don't how to piece my self together anymore..